When God won't let go ...

It never occurred to me that @ 40 I would have so many questions about my life unanswered. I am not sure that I thought I would have ALL THE ANSWERS to my life (thus no need to be left on the earth), but I still struggle with things I struggled with when I was younger, although on a more detailed level.

Like?

Well, I thought at 40 my career would be all worked out, my children would be well adjusted preteens, celebrating double digit wedding anniversaries (which we are by the way), vacations doable, money problems - solved .. oh and my hairstyle ... on track w/ the rest of world. Ok, I know that last one seems a little trivial, but nonetheless, not getting my hair done on a regular basis has begun to bother me. :)

I just didn't think I would have so many questions or feel so overwhelmed by my life. I started to compare and feel depressed. I know, I know, never do that. I started to get jealous (just being honest) and more dissatisfied with where I am now.


But then God reminds me .. that He has a plan for ME.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."



Then God reminds me, that He has me in the palm of His hands.
Hebrews 13:5 " God has said, never will I leave you or forsake you."

How comforting to know that God IS always with me and He knows what is best for. Time and time again I want to have control .. at least a little bit anyway AND I want to know what lies ahead .. but time after time, He convinces me that His ways are NOT my ways and His ways are best .. and that NOT knowing .. will allow me to TOTALLY depend on Him.

NOT easy, but very comforting.

Just when you think ..

you have the right to complain about the things going on in your life, have your own pity party, groan, mumble and get down right mad about things going on in your life .. God allows you to hear about families REALLY going through it like this ... and it makes you fall to your knees and thank God for what He has given you and your family. It makes you pray for other people (which we would should be doing more of anyway) and it makes you realize, that YES things in my life ARE crazy, BUT there is ALWAYS someone else who has it so much more worse than you.

BTW .. Jennifer's faith IS amazing and the way she is handling what is going on is indeed amazing. That is the strength only provided by the Lord in my opinion.

I am NOT saying my issues and problems are not a concern of my great God, because they are and I WILL continue to pray about them, but SMACK DAB right in front of me is a reason to stop all the junk and pray, be thankful and pray some more. Especially after looking at my husband and 3 sons and knowing where we all could be.

Thankful, truly thankful.

I've come FULL circle ....

Back in December, just a few days AFTER my anniversary mind you, I broke my right wrist. Yeah, the one is use everyday. I am right handed.

As soon as it happened, I knew it was broken. I tried to reason with myself and said it was a bad sprain, but deep down I knew ... it was broken.

Turns out, it was broken in three places.

So since December 18th, I have worn some sort of apparatus on my hand, wrist and part of my arm to support the broken places and since January 2, I have had the pleasure of having metal screws in my wrist to help me heal correctly.

My surgeon is great, but very OLD FASHIONED! He performed the surgery and put the ugliest cast I have ever seen on someone on MY wrist. You know the one .. the elephant leg, paper mache, loaded lead balloon cast on my wrist .. that doesn't go with anything. :)

Thank goodness I broke my wrist in the winter so I could actually put on a turtleneck or sweats from time to time because if I had broken it this spring .. whew ... Stacy London (What Not to Wear) would have had a sensors a blazin and headed my way!

Well, yesterday the cast came off!!!! Yeah! right? yea? ..... I thought I would be thrilled, but instead I am longing for the comfort of that cast cave I kept my hand in these past 8 weeks.

Why is that?

For one .. my arm hurts, not major pain, but it hurts
Two .. I can only move my wrist in one direction
Three .. twice a week therapy starts next week .. and that is the LAST thing I need .. someone yelling at me to try harder, try harder.

I could go on and one, but I will stop whining.

I have discovered that it is easier to wear the cast and JUST do what I can do than to have it off and HAVE to work hard to do what I do.

I don't really want to work for it, but I want the joy and fulfillment and want cut to the chase and see the "reveal" or the result of hard work without the hard work.

I want the easy way out. Just being honest. That is NOT what God had planned for me. The easy way .... at least not all the time.

To be continued ...... my hand hurts ...

Fear and Faith

Fear and faith CANNOT reside in the same space.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and discipline.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Welcome to Holland

I will be writing about Ethan on and off for the next few weeks ... this is why .....

My new blogging buddy, Amy, wrote a post this weekend about her journey with her son Spencer that moved me and caused me to remember. Amy and I are walking in similar shoes and after reading her post Saturday, I decided to tell you more about Ethan and what God has allowed to happen in our lives, not to garner sympathy, but to tell you about our journey and show you the goodness of God. He really does have our best interest at heart.

First this .......

Welcome to Holland - Emily Pearl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.""Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

"But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

What a reminder to me. God didn't plan for me to go to Italy but to Holland. And He is my guide.His plans and the journey He takes us on are always better than the plans and journey we have in mind for ourselves.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Isaiah 55:9"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Romans 8:28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Emily Pearl Kingsley’s article has been widely circulated in support groups and medical circles.Please credit as follows: As published in “That All May Worship and Serve,” July, 2002, as published on the United Church of Christ Disabilities Ministries web site.

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This is EXACTLY how I feel ... more on Ethan during the week.

Expectations (Long post)

Sometimes you have to throw them right out the window ....

Expectation #1:
I thought when I grew up and was a big girl, I would go to college, get a really good HIGH paying job, drive a RED BMW, and always, always looked oh so pulled together.

Expectation #2
I thought I would be swept off my feet, marry the man of my dreams who was PERFECT in EVERYWAY, have the wedding of a lifetime, and we would live HAPPILY ever after, forever, AMEN.

Expectation #3
I thought after traveling all the beaches God created, we would begin to have HEALTHY children, 2 to 3 in fact, with a mixture of girls and boys. MY children would never misbehave and they would be model children everywhere we went, especially the grocery store or the mall when everyone was looking.

Expectation #4
I thought my parents and my in laws would ALWAYS be able to take the children whenever we needed them to, so that hubby and I could have our romantic dates and weekend getaways in our weekend adults only car. While we were gone the children would not give the grandparents any trouble at all ... never .. no ... never ...

Expectation #5
I thought my hubby and I would have great friends who were journeying in life just as we were and we could travel together, play together, have children the same ages and they would grow up as best friends and the cycle would continue for generations to come.

STOP!!! STOP!!!! HOLD IT!! HOLD IT!!!

REALITY #1
I did in fact attend college and had a WONDERFUL experience. I left in 1989 just a few hours shy of my degree to take a job as an afternoon news anchor/reporter making 15,000 per year (In radio, not TV) even though EVERYONE at the station where I interned said don't do it, don't do it. All I knew is that a LOT of the radio/tv majors who had already graduated were ending up in really small cities with hopes to move to a BIG MARKET city and I was already working in one, with a really cool job that I loved no matter what they paid me. So, I took the job instead of the degree. Yes, I do have regrets about that decision, a decision that was made at the ripe old age of 22. I have made plans to finish my degree and am looking forward to attending college ... again .. wow .. at my age .. I think I will do well.
Anyway ....
I drove a cool blue Ford Escort Sport and I always looked pulled together, but I wasn't paying attention to how much of the 15,000 I was spending for clothes and getting my hair done every week. The station WAS NOT providing a wardrobe salary, so yes, I was using my money. Oh yeah, the tax man cometh too! 15,000 AND the tax man .. you do the math.

REALITY #2
I WAS in fact swept off my feet by D (the man of my dreams and so much more), we had a beautiful wedding. But as have we reflected on that day, a day where I thought everything would go off without a hitch, we have discovered some things did not go according to plan. I had BIG dreams and ideas and NO idea about how much things cost. Rings, flowers, videos, FOOD, have you priced food at a hotel lately? Have you seen what people ARE spending on weddings these days? Oh My Gosh! I could post an entry on weddings ALONE. ok, off the soapbox. Somewhere in my mind, I did not want to spend more than $2500.00 for the whole wedding, but on paper it was around $30,000. Guess which one we opted for? It was REALLY nice and reflected our love for each other and our committment to God. I did not know we would be the LAST people to leave, bring the tableclothes home to be washed or that my inlaws did NOT eat at the reception after being told 3 or 4 times, please sit down, you will be served. (I roll my eyes even today when they bring it up, how embarrasing) Even though we opted for spending less money for the wedding, I have no regrets about that decision.

We have been married 13 years this year, He IS NOT perfect and tells me so ALL the time. I know he is not perfect, he has flaws and imperfections, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I just knew he really would BE perfect. Especially after I molded him into shape (ha). D and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God placed us together and we are supposed to be together "until death do we part", but I guess the friendship, courtship, was so over the top .. I just knew our marriage would blow me away everyday. Under the surface, I was expecting flowers once a week, trips, shopping sprees, and gifts, lots of gifts, all the time, and surprises (Jai, wake up that IS expensive). D gives me gifts I never even thought about. He gives me gifts that cannot be bought, will never get lost and will not die. He gives me his time, his love, his protection, his prayers, his hugs, his smiles, phone calls throughout the day, "I love you's" AND he is wonderful man of God. He seeks God for instruction on loving me and loving me better.

I love my husband and I love my marriage, but the first "argument" we had almost sent me over the edge. I can't even remember what it was about, but I cried and then ran away. TO THE CAR. (Real smart kiddo, real smart) D is a person who likes to solve the problem now .. and not let it linger and fester .. Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin". "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry". I, on the other hand am not like that, but had to grow into this revelation and I am STILL learning. It really has been good for our marriage.

I know I put D on an unrealistic pedestal and expected him to know what was going on in my mind. No, I NEVER shared any of the expectations, dreams, wants with him, because you know, he is supposed to know me. Afterall, God put us together .... right? Unfair to D, unfair.

We love each other and are in love with each other and ARE committed through the happy and sad, we will work it out and stay on our knees. It is not just the two of us, but three. (Jesus, D and Jai) We CANNOT move without consulting and seeking God.

Reality #3
God gave us 4 beautiful children, Ethan (11), Denham (would be 5 this year), Austin (almost 3), and DeClan (15 months). No one EVER said my pregnancies would go full term, I just expected them to. My pregnancy with Ethan was wonderful. I worked until the night before he was born. I gained 40 pounds (all in my belly) and lost every stinkin bit of weight and then some. Svelt size 8 I was .. oh yes I was. I loved being a mom, although I had no idea what I was doing. My mother passed away a year before I got married and I was pregnant 2 months after I became a new bride. My grandmothers were both in heaven and my two sisters were single with no children. Who, tell me, who was I supposed to get my Titus 2 instruction from? I was too afraid to ask. I prayed a lot and became more confident as a mom. We got pregnant again in 2003 with Denham and then the floor fell out from under me. Denham was born and died on the same day. Read more here. Then we were hit with the ultimate one two punch. Ethan was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He is doing VERY WELL today, but I expected my children to be healthy, no brainer. Never even prayed about my children's health. Even after having a mother who was ill for 10 years. I NEVER thought it giving my children's health to God in prayer. Now, I try to pray for and about my children DAILY.

Reality #4
I ALWAYS thought my parents and my in-laws would babysit for us, because I always expected them to be around. I never expected my parents to go to heaven so soon. My mom BEFORE all the grandchildren, my dad 2 years ago. My inlaws live in another state. The children see my husband side of the family 2 times a year. NEVER thought to pray about this before I got
married. Makes me love his family more, especially since they took me in and love like I am a real, blood family member. My sisters ARE here for me and it warms my heart to see my children's eyes light up when MeMe and JenJen come to see them, but I always expected and wanted to hear my children say Poppy and Nana.

Reality #5
I can remember my parents playing cards, pokeno and spades with their "couple" friends. Laughing .. all ...the... time.... I knew it would be the same for me and hubby.
My husband and I have friends we love dearly, but not a couple that is our Fred and Ethel (that's what was in my head). We have three boys, our friends have girls. We have 1 older and 2 younger, our friends have older than Ethan. Our friends are active, we have been homebodies since Ethan's diagnosis and are just now getting back out in the world. Frankly, some people don't understand where we have come from and why we make decisions we make (especially when it comes to Ethan) We have met some people, but the chemistry is not the same for both husbands or both wives.

It never occured to me this would be an issue for us. BUT GOD. We know we have to be friends to get friends. DID I SAY, we DO love the friends God has brought us in the last few years.
BOY, do I hope I explained this right ..


Expectations can be a SET UP for a LET DOWN, especially when there is no communication with the other person you have these expectations from. Even if that person is you. You have to communicate with God and the people in your life. I have spent WAY to many days mad, angry, depressed, feeling sorry and I will NEVER get those days, minutes, hours, back. NEVER.

I am NOT saying is it wrong to have standards, goals and dreams for yourself and your family. I AM saying communicate, communicate, communicate with those around you and especially with God through prayer. When it is ALL in your head, but things are never said .. how is anyone supposed to know what you want? It is not fair to you or the people you live this life with if you EXPECT one thing, get another and they never even knew and then you get mad and start WWIII. I have learned the hard way about expectations and I am learning to get them out of my head and into some dialouge.

I know I will be better for it and my life will be more fulfilling.

The words .. they have escaped me

There has been so much going on here this week. Good things and some not so good things, but MANY things. I have been wanting to write it all down and share with the 3 of you who read my blog, but there is so much. I have not been able to gather my thoughts and have it all make sense in an entry, BUT HERE GOES!


God IS a healer
God loves me
Jesus died on the cross for me and YOU, he didn't have to, but He did
Even when I am at my lowest, I can always look UP and look to HIM
Even when I do not understand what is going on, God does and He knew before I did ..
God ALWAYS answers prayer. Yes, always. It may not be the way I want Him too, but He does
God answers are YES, NO and NOT YET
I am my husband's companion - no one else should have that position
I need to go to bed WAY earlier than I do
I need to stay in bed even when I wake up in the middle of the night
Even though I surround myself with praise music and Christian TV, I still need MY time with God
I need to pray more and listen for God's instruction
I need to say I love you more to those I truly care about
You can never say thank you enough
Write, NOT EMAIL more thank you notes and letters.
I should balance my checkbook better, thank God He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider
I should not ride on fumes, they do not last as long as you think
I need to decrease and let Him increase more in my life
The order for my home is God, husband, kids, THEN other things .. sometimes I get confused
I need to be a better friend
I need to stop comparing


These are all things I know and it is nothing new, but ..... I miss my parents, a man died at 45 this week, he left behind a wife and three young daughters, a friend's mom was rushed to emergency because she has too much fluid around her heart, a young girl was killed by her former boyfriend because he was jealous, someone close to me is in the process of losing her home, people in THIS country are hungry everyday, rice & beans and cornbread DO make a difference, another friend's dad was on death's door and in less than 72 hours, he is walking out of the hospital HEALED, Ethan made 4As and 2 Bs for the first semester! We paid off a credit card! I have a wonderful marriage, a fellow blogger has been dealing with a tumor and now she is praising God it is no longer there! On and on and on.

At every turn there were things to pray for and then things to praise Him for. I do not understand, but it is not for me to understand, God's word IS clear ..
Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (NIV)

Confirmation!

When I tell you our God is amazing, you better believe me.

Prayer has been going up over this matter for 4 years!

For the last month or so, my husband and I have been praying for a decision we needed to make regarding our oldest son and his brain tumor removal surgery. Bascially, we have been asking God to show us where he should have it. Two surgeons have said they would perform the surgery and we have struggled to have peace about our decision if we chose one surgeon over the other. Both we have been told are VERY good at what they do, but this is BRAIN SURGERY on our son~! We sought wise counsel from our Pastor and he told us if there was no huge difference between the two surgeons - seek counsel from an additional surgeon (one we had originally contacted, but his health prevented him from performing the surgery) and ask if he would make a recommendation. When I called his office, I was told they would be out on vacation until June 25. I sent an email to the lead surgeon, but did not expect to hear from him. Don't you know that he emailed right back! He said he could not make a recommendation either way, but I thanked him for the consideration. Yesterday my youngest was dedicated at church and here is how God unfolded his wonderment:

*This was NOT the original Sunday we requested for the dedication. We rescheduled 2 times
*We have always dedicated our children at the second service - this time it was the 1st service
*We were the ONLY family. Normally there are at least 2 families or more
*Pastor requested we provided an update on our son (we did NOT know he was gonna do this), this allowed the Holy Spirit to speak, not me
* It was all a blur, but the Holy Spirit told me to mention the surgeon we chose just this past Friday to do the surgery (Dr. Bradley Weprin)

After the prayer and as we go to our seats a very eccentric looking man says, we will be praying for your son and he will be okay .. I nod my head and say thank you make my way back to our pew. After church this man and his wife are introduced to us by a friend of ours and the man tells me that he knows the doctor very well and his wife is a pediatric cardiologist at the same hospital where my son will have the surgery. What? What did you say? I froze and then cried, cried and cried. They both said that Dr. Weprin is a great person and surgeon and that he will take care of Jordan.

Now we know who will take care of Ethan (Jehovah-Rophe), but what confirmation for our decision!

Revelation:
Look at God .. He chose the service we would dedicate our son in, He made is so we would have to change the dates for the dedication, He allowed this couple to "visit" OCBF this particular Sunday, God orchestrated that no other couple would dedicate their children at the first service, thus allowing Pastor to ask for an update on our son, God did not want a "rehersed" speech from me, thus allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through me, God made it so, this couple would know (from almost 15 years ago or more) our friends and allowing an introduction AFTER the service. Go GOD!

And if that wasn't enough .... a young man came up to us AFTER service and said he wanted to pray with me and my son, because he had also gone through this same battle 20 years ago and he was fine now and doing well. Can you believe that?

Our God is an AWESOME God, He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love, our God is an AWESOME God!

Hug your kids ...

If you have them, hug your kids. If you don't have them, hug someone else's. The Word of God says children are a gift from God. I agree with that wholeheartedly. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for my boys. One of them has some serious issues going on right now and yesterday it dawned on me to "hug my kids!". I have always known this and I kiss them regulary, tell them I love them regularly, but as my oldest has grown and gotten taller than me, I don't think I hug him enough. He is cute, but not that baby phat drumstick leg, big cheeks cute anymore and he says he is a young man ... so I find myself teaching him life lessons without the biggest one ... showing him I love him with my arms, not just with my mouth. He will have surgery soon and he may never be the same .. it never dawned on me this would one day be our reality ..... and so now I understand why we shouldn't take ANY day for granted. We shouldn't take any ONE for granted and we should thank God for each and every minute He gives us. This reality has been an ephiphany ... I know it , I say to it to others all the time, but have I been honest w/ myself? NO .. I have taken my kids health for granted, I have taken their "smartness" for granted, I have expected to be on this earth as long as I need to be here for my kids .. I have taken my husband for granted .. all these people I love can go home to heaven tomorrow, they could be in car wreck, etc. etc. This surgery is going to change my son and I just didn't think it would ever happen to US! Things would always be just fine! BUT now I know it ... I hear you Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry .. I have been selfish and have taken what you have given me and lived my life the way I wanted to. My life is yours, my husband is yours, my children are yours!!!!! I surrender them and myself to you!!!! ... I am turning the corner and will go where you need to go and do what you want me to do .....

I get it now ... please excuse me .. I gotta go hug my kids!