I don't want to do this ..

I have been down all day. I have done things around the house, made some phone calls, played with my boys, read my emails, looked at some photos .. all in an attempt to NOT think about my oldest and what lies ahead. I don't care how you slice it, how you say it .. how much I want to believe how spiritual I am, I don't know what to do and I do NOT want to go through these days ahead. My oldest will have surgery on his brain in 3 weeks. He has a tumor and the doctors (ALL 50 million of them) have said it is time to try to take it out. Initially the tumor was being obedient and not growing and the seizures my son was having STOPPED! BUT THEN, the tumor decided to grow and grow and now we have to FACE this giant in our lives. I am not going to tell you that I wish it was me, because I don't .... I wish it wasn't anybody who has to go through this.
They tell us that my son will be different .. what does that mean? I don't know. They tell us that he will have complications after the surgery .. what does that mean? I don't know. They say he will lose some memory .. what does that mean? I don't know. All I know is that I have only 1 person to trust and that is God. People keep telling me and my husband we are so brave, we are so brave .. well .. I really do not know how to respond to that .. we have NO OTHER choice, but to let God do His work in our son and through these doctors.
I know there is something to learn from all of this, but right now I have not a clue. All I know, is that I do not want to go through this now or ever.
All I want to do is GET UP and live life for my son and with my son. I know it could be sooo much worse right now, so I don't want to have this pity party forever, but I had to write down how I felt RIGHT NOW ... so I can go back and remember when this piece of the journey is over .. where God brought me from ..