Sep 27, 2007
her before I had to say goodbye.
Words cannot express the shock, dismay, hurt, anger, confusion, emptiness I felt for so many months after she went to live with Jesus. Even now 4 years later, I don't cry as much, but she IS just as much a part of my family as Ethan, Austin and DeClan. We have all her things she wore in the hospital, we have pictures, we have her announcements, we have her footprints and we have sweet, sweet memories.
Before Ethan's tumor surgery, he thought about her often. He was only 6 when she died and started having seizures the next month, so I didn't think her life had an effect on him, but it has. Since the surgery (when we had been told he would lose some memory) he asks about her often and draws pictures of her and asks Jesus why is my sister living with you?
Why are you blogging about Denham today Jai you may ask? I read about the Farley family yesterday and I felt as if I was reading my own words and it brought ALL those feelings back and I wanted you to know that if you EVER know anyone who has experienced the loss of child, IT AIN'T EASY and please be patient with them. I wasn't blogging in 2003, but Boothe's words in 2007 are just as much my very own. The situation around our daughter's deaths are different, but death is death and hurt is hurt.
People don't always know what to say and my words, her words, just provides a little light into this world of infant loss and a new way for you to pray for anyone that God allows to cross your path in this season.
4 years after losing my precious Denham God is STILL on the throne and IN control. He knew then and He knows now. Thank you Jesus for loving me, holding me, picking me up to go on for the boy I had then and the boys I would after Denham. Kiss her for me Lord.
Sep 23, 2007
When you have children who are younger than 3, there is NO reason to EVER attempt to sit in the sanctuary! Thank you to my church that added these rooms in the sanctuary when our new sanctuary was built! We have a BIG glass window to see everything and sound to hear and be a part of the service! My husband has gone back to playing in our orchestra during service and as a gift I get the kids ALL TO MYSELF and that is why God gave me my very own room!
God is sooo good!
Sep 18, 2007
In my sleep last night, I could still see the boys making so much noise and God laid on my heart that while this was a wonderful thing to see - - he has been trying to reach me, but there has been NOISE in my life. I have not felt the most spiritual lately (yes, I know my salvation is not based on emotion) but I have really felt like I want more, I need more, I am confused, what is going on? What am I supposed to be doing? What is God doing?Oh gosh, the day is gone! I have too many lists and not enough time .. and sometimes just plain BLahhh. ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Then through a series of events, like falling out of bed Sunday night (I felt like I was pushed out, but not by hubby) "Duh, Jailynn, time to pray, I DON'T CARE IF IT IS 4:00am!"and then last night all the noise, which I was enjoying.... God has been trying to tell me, hey Jailynn, I am trying to talk to you. I have been enjoying my noise, being at home w/ the boys, watching movies, doing things at church, spending time with Ethan at school, cooking, baking, hanging out with friends, window shopping, reading blogs, trying to find an extra income position, on and on and on, but God said .. hey, you have NOT been having YOUR time w/ ME and there is way too much NOISE going on that is preventing you from hearing me. Yes, you have been prayerful, BUT .. I miss my time with you ...
I Miss my time w/ you .. by Larnelle Harris
There He was just waiting, in our old familiar place
an empty spot beside Him,
where once I used to wait
to be filled with strength and wisdom
for the battles of the day
i would have passed him by again if i didn't hear Him say
I miss my time with you
those moments together
I need to be with you each day
and it hurt's Me when you say you're too busy
busy trying to serve Me
but how can you serve Me when your spirit's empty
there's a longing in my heart wanting more than just a part of you
it's true I miss My time with you
what do I have to offer
how can I truly care
my efforts have no meaning
when your presence isn't there
but You will provide the power
if I take time to pray
I'll stay right here beside him
and You will never have to say..
So I am off to sit at the feet of Jesus so I can hear from Him and just plain spend time alone w/ Him!
Sep 14, 2007
The Lord is my Shepherd = That's Relationship!
I shall not want = That's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters = That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul = That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That's Guidance!
For His name sake = That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death = That's Tribulations
I will fear no evil = That's Protection!
For Thou art with me = That's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies =That's Hope!
Thou annointest my head with oil = That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over = That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life =That's Blessing !
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That's Security!
Forever = That's Eternity!
HE'S BEEN FAITHFUL
In my moments of fear Through every pain, every tear There's a God who's been faithful to me. When my strength was all gone When my heart had no song Still in love, He's proved faithful to me Every word He's promised is true And what I thought was impossible I've seen my God do
He's been faithful, faithful to me Looking back - His love and mercy I see Though in my heart I have questioned, even failed to believe Yet He's been faithful Faithful to me
When my heart looked away The many times I could not pray Still my God, He was faithful to me The days I spent so selfishly Reaching out for what pleased me Even then, God was faithful to me Every time I come back to Him He is waiting with open arms and I see once again
Sep 11, 2007
Sunday night, I read about a VERY young man dying in an accident, Monday my father's house was broken into (2 times in the last 3 months) and today is the 6th anniversary of 9/11. Now obviously, my father's home being broken into DOES NOT compare to the death of this young man and it pales in comparison to 9/11, but what all of these events have done is make me ask today WHY? Some have said do not ask God why and I don't agree with that at all. I ask all the time, because God knows what I am thinking anyway, so I might as well be honest with myself and Him, BUT I also ask Him "what am I to do with this situation?". How do YOU get the glory through me and what I choose to do next?
NOTHING happens without God's knowledge. These events did NOT catch Him off guard or by surprise. God says in His word that He would never us, NOR forsake us. Hebrews 13:5.
When bad things happen, it hurts. Depending on how bad the situation is, it may hurt for days, weeks or even months and months. When Ethan was diagnosed with epilepsy, I felt like I was dying. This season of our lives went on for 4 years, 4 years ... God has provided victory with Ethan's miraculous healing, but the season is not completely over. We are still working with all that Ethan lost with each seizure these last 4 years. BUT God said in His word, that he will restore all that locust have taken away. "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you" (Joel 2:25).
Will write more later .. I am simply overwhelmed ... but VERY hopeful ..
Sep 10, 2007
Rachel of Home Sanctuary and her sister Katherine of Raising Five experienced an unimaginable loss over the weekend. I have been speechless since I read about their nephew. I only know these ladies through my blogworld, but both are women of God who have demonstrated a Titus 2 spirit before me. When I read Katherine's post last night, I was very sad and knew immediately that I needed to pray for their families. I am asking that you too will join in and stand in the gap.
Sep 4, 2007
Now Austin (2) you understand DOES NOT go to school, but this last week he has been wanting to. He whined all last week about "school mommy, school" and when we would return for dropping Ethan off, he would be sooo mad that we were home. And then today .. just made me smile .. before I could get him his breakfast, he had already gone into his closet, streeeeetched for a shirt, brought it to me and said here mommy, put my shirt on. He actually picked a pretty nice t-shirt. So, I put it on and told him to get ready for breakfast ... as I got his breakfast ready, he had gone back to the closet and gotten some jeans .. (you go boy!) and brought them to me and said mommy, jeans, I need my jeans on ... he already had one leg in and one leg out and had fallen twice trying to get them on. I helped him and he ate. Ethan finished, Austin finished, and I got DeClan ready and we were almost ready to go. I needed to get presentable .. and Austin was soooo mad. Mommy, school, we need to go to school. Let's go! So I got dressed preety quickly and off we went to school for Ethan. We dropped him off, Austin said bye bye and then we came home .. AND THAT WHEN I HEARD ... MOMMY .. Noooooooooooooo, school, I want to go to school! Oh, my gosh!
What came to my mind as Austin was screaming? Me! Remember when you were either first saved or rededicated (as we called it in college) to the Lord and you couldn't wait to get to church? To talk to someone, anyone about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Remember? I sure do, especially when I found my present church and I couldn't believe how the word was brought forth and I, Jailynn, could understand what God was trying to tell me. Have I gotten so far in my Christian walk that I don't need the Lord like I used to? May it never be! I am NOT on track like I should be. Things of this world can take over .. BUT I must not let them. I must make an EFFORT to spend time at the feet of Jesus. I want that excitement back! I want to be in a place when I can't wait to spend time w/ Jesus!
Out of the mouths of babes .. we, I, should be like little children ..
"Whosoever shall not receive the Kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein" (Luke 18:17). "Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right" (Proverbs 20:11). "Ye shall know them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:16).