Two weeks passed and Ethan was still having seizures and had started falling out of chairs at school. I was terrified. Ethan's school had just built a new facility and all the parents were excited for the children to be in a brand new building .. and so were we until we found the school was two stories and Ethan might have to climb stairs. Our fears were calmed after we met with the school administrator and it was decided that Ethan would only be allowed upstairs with a hallway monitor. In fact, Ethan's first grade teacher assigned another little boy to accompany him when he went to restroom and to help him with his schoolwork to make sure they could get help to him if he had a seizure. The children were wonderful towards Ethan and wanted to help him all the time and never left him alone.
We finally had our appointment with the neurosurgeon who has an "Atypical" type of personality. He is very confident and "matter of fact" and provided more medical detail about Ethan's tumor than I was able to comprehend or understand. One of my friends said, well Jai, you would rather have his neurologist be the one who has bedside manner and the surgeon ... well let him have his confidence .. he NEEDS to be sure of himself, if he is gonna perform operations like these. You know, she had a point. I wouldn't have it any other way.
He told us if the tumor had been located closer to the top part of Ethan's head, he would take it out immediately. BUT. BUT. Ethan's tumor was located deep deep inside his brain and under tissue that he wasn't sure he could reach or even want to try. He took a plastic rendention of a brain, took it apart an explained where the tumor was and why it was so difficult to get out or even test to see if it was cancerous. He said if Ethan had the surgery there would be problems physically and mentally after the surgery. He wanted to see what the medicine would do for Ethan and suggested Ethan had MRI every 6 months to make sure it was not growing. IF the tumor started to grow or if Ethan's seizures became unbearable (what does that mean), then he would go in and try to remove as much of the tumor as possible with NO guarantees. He said it was about Ethan's quality of life. He would rather have him seizing, than put him in a wheelchair for life because of the surgery.
We left the meeting with a lot of information and a lot of sadness. Why Ethan, what did he do? What did we do? Why are children sick? How could this happen? Yesterday, he was playing basketball and today he is lying on the couch exhausted from the 3 seizures he had today. We had a pity party, BUT we did not stay there long.
We did not know the road we are about to travel. We did not know how much strength we had. We did not know if Ethan would be healed on this side of heaven. We did not know where the finances would come from if he had the surgery. We did not know our marriage would be tested. We did not know Ethan would decline in school. We did not know we would lose some friendships. We did not know Ethan would gain weight. We did not know how much research it would take to get some answers. We did not know you CAN fight with your insurance company and WIN. We did not know family and friends would grow in their relationship with God. We did not know I would eventually be an at home mom. We did not know we would have 2 more boys who love Ethan to death. We did not know peace would eventually come over us. We did not know our marriage would be stronger than ever. We did not know 12 years ago when we got married, God's plan for our life ... but what we DID KNOW ....?
God is JEHOVAH, He IS our Lord
God is JEHOVAH - JIREH, Our Lord, our provider
God is JEHOVAH - ROPHE, Our Lord who heals
God is JEHOVAH - SHALOM, Our Lord, our peace
God is JEHOVAH - ROHI, Our Lord, Our shepherd
God is El-Shaddai, God Almighty
He HAS shown himself strong in Ethan's life! In January 2003, D and I adopted Jeremiah 29:11 to stand on for the year, not knowing what was to come ... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "
He did not leave us and has a plan that is carrying itself out right now .... we just needed to let go and let HIM use us ......