and I am not sure how I feel. (I know that I am ALL over the map today)
My oldest is scheduled to have brain surgery Friday, July 13th and I am numb. I have been going through the motions, yet really enjoying spending time w/ him. I have ALWAYS enjoyed time with him, but obviously, now it is sooo different. I thank God for allowing me to be his mother and I pray that AFTER the surgery, that God will allow him to remember his family, remember the good times we have had and remember the laughter. I pray for his future .. that he will have one he can remember and enjoy. I do not want to grieve again, ( I feel like we grieved him in 2003 when we first found out about his seizure disorder)but if I do not watch it, that is just what I will do. You have to understand, my son was reading at 3, advanced in every class, learning scriptures faster than I could give them to him, soaked up everything and taught me a thing or two and now .. we play catch up in school, I am trying to find his "learn language", so he doesn't fall behind in school and in life, he doesn't understand a lot things, we teach him things over and over .. he used to have seizures twice or more a day and on and on ... I am NOT complaining, but coping .. and drawing near ... BUT GOD!
My family designed a 72 prayer and we have all been AMAZED at how many people, people we know and some we don't, some who have prayed for 4 years with us and some we have not heard from or spoken to in 20 years have emailed us to say they will pray and have taken more than 1 hour at a time to pray .... God is sooo good. Perhaps it is like me and my family has said ... this thing is BIGGER than us. It is NOT about us, my son or any one person or thing, but about drawing nearer to God.
My husband and I have prayed and prayed to the Lord asking for a DEEPER relationship with God and boy howdy, we got it! Although we did not expect anything like this .. I can see the handwriting on the wall. Picture it.... January 2002, (in our 2 bedroom apartment)Solemn Assembly (a time of prayer and fasting at our church) we ask the Lord for a stronger, more deeper relationship. The year comes and goes .. we draw close, but at OUR comfort level. We make plans to buy a house and start saving. January 2003, we ask again ... watch out what you ask for ... we ask the Lord for a DEEPER relationship w/ him. 2/03 we find our house, 3/03 we get ready to move in, 4/03 we find out we are pregnant with a new baby, BOOM 6/03, our oldest son is diagnosed with epilepsy and 7/03 our baby daughter dies! The rest of the 2003 and the past 4 years have been interesting .. God has blessed us with 2 more sons, I am now a SAHM, but I know this journey, this season, has caused us to draw NEAR, have a DEEPER relationship with our Father, God, because this is a season that we have NO control over and one where we can only walk with HIM.
Does it hurt? YES! Would I do it again? YES! Because I know more than ever before that God is with us, He is holding us in the palm of His hand and will NOT leave or foresake us. He has healed my son, the communication in my marriage is better than ever before (could ALWAYS be better and I working on that - - see honey?!!!!!) I see my responsibilities as a wife and mom so clearly now and I continue to learn to live for today ... enjoy today .. show your children all you can while you can .. introduce them to Jesus .. TRUST GOD .. the same God who built heaven and earth and all things around us is the same God who holds us, provides for us, cares for us, loves unconditionally, hears us when we praise and when we pray, covers us! He is the same yesterday, today and forever more.